Not my problem — don’t consume yourself with trying to help those who don’t really want your help
Years and years ago when I was a lot more sociable and I had a lot of friends I often had to deal with people who were going through tough situations. By that I mean breakups, problems in school, problems with parents, and so on.
Often, those people asked me for advice. I tried to offer them the best advice I could, that I thought could help them. Things like “breakup with him/her if you know he/she is cheating on you”, or “well, if you want to pass, then study instead of blaming your teacher” or “well, try to be either more understanding or more ‘aggressive’ when talking to your parents” were, in my opinion, decent ways they could’ve solved a lot of their problems.
The worst part was when, after spending hours talking to those people and giving them advice, trying to make them see that the way they were doing things was wrong, and there are other things they could try, they were going back to their “old ways”, completely ignoring my advice.
If that ever happened to you in the past, then you know how frustrating it can be. How can someone receive so much advice from you, advice meant to improve their situation or even their life, and ignore it completely while choosing the other option which leads to even more drama and problems?
Well, the answer is simple — a lot of people don’t want to be helped. They think they do, and that’s why they are asking for advice, but most of them already made a choice in their mind, and they are now looking for approval. They hope you’ll say what they want to hear so they can feel better about doing what they want to do.
That doesn’t always apply, of course, but it’s a situation you’ll often find yourself into if you like giving advice to other people. It will happen even more often if you start telling people what they are doing wrong without them asking you.
The way I managed to deal with their ignorance and with their inability to do the “right thing” was by completely ignoring their problems and only giving them advice when they asked for it. Furthermore, I stopped trying to convince people what the right thing to do is. Instead, I just told them about the options they had, and told them what I would choose.
But, overall, I stopped trying to convince people that one option is better than the other one. Those who really want your help will make it obvious, and they will ask for your opinion often. They will even listen most of the time. When it comes to those people, sure, give them as much advice as you can and help them when they ask you to.
However, when it comes to those who are looking for approval, who already know what they want to do, and now they just need to feel like someone would do the exact same thing, don’t worry too much about them and just tell them what you would do, without trying to convince them of anything.
It may sound harsh, but it’s one of the simplest and best ways to deal with people who don’t really care about your advice. You stop worrying too much, you stop being too involved in their problems and you’ll avoid further disappointments. Tell people what you would choose if you would be in the same situation, but don’t try to convince them to do that specific thing.
Instead, let them make their own decisions. If something bad happens, it’s gonna be because of their poor choice. If something good happens, then they were right to do what they did. No matter the outcome, they are responsible for how things are going in their life, and by not helping those who don’t really want to be helped, you’ll avoid future disappointments.
